God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
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