the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
