I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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