Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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