so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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