i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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