theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
