I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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