Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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