I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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