Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
