I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
