There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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