Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
