Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
