The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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