bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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