Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
