My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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