community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
pray to the hookup gods
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
