I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
