i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When are your genitals available?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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