remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
