I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
