Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
