3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
