she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
