drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
