i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
