i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
