i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
