'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
