Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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