Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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