dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
