Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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