he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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