I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
