tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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