Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
