My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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