I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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