wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
