I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
