What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
