You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
