My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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