i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
