i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
