Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
