Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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