Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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