Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
