Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
