My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
